Self Image

My friend Eric began this project way back in 2010.

It's somewhat of a time capsule - a video that represents your Self Image (meant to be done each year at the beginning of the year). It's all about the words that describe you, how you feel about yourself,  and small intimate details so susceptible to change.


And the joys of making one are two-fold. First, sitting down and giving yourself the time to attempt to define you, as you are right now. Putting those words down on paper can really teach you a lot about your confidence, where you are in your goals, and where you feel like you could do or be more. I'll be the first to say that I'm already introspective enough, so this wasn't a massive  challenge, but I found that I felt uncomfortable with saying things like "I am a filmmaker, a videoblogger, a curator, a feminist." etc. To a degree, I am all of those things, but I still feel very much like I'm learning, and when I say that I am those things, I feel like I mean that I am still just trying. I wound up leaving that bit out alltogether because I couldn't decide if I was allowed to call myself a filmmaker or not. Sure I have made films, but lately I have felt so wrapped up in a million different projects that it hasn't been able to be a priority. It's still what I want to be, but I guess at this point I just didn't have the confidence to admit that. So in that way, this excercise taught me about my lack of confidence. Creative industries seem like they are all about the ego - having the confidence to say yes I can, and yes I will and yes I am. Sheryl Sandberg would tell me to lean in, but in this industry it feels like leaning in is not dissimilar to being that annoying person constantly self-promoting. I don't want to be that person, but lately I've been having the feeling that if I want to succeed, I might have to dabble in those waters. And that's a huge conflict. So yes. Learned a lot about me while writing this.


The second joy, is of course something I won't know for a while yet. It's the joy of looking back and seeing how I've changed, and hopefully grown. My last self image video was made at the beginning of 2013 when I was still living at home, trying to freelance, trying to move to the UK to "start my life". An ideal that I hope I always knew was a bit ambitious, I am confident now that I will always feel like that, like I'm just getting started, like I'm waiting for life to happen to me rather than making it happen for myself. I have come a long way since that last video. I made my first short film, moved to a new country, had a series of full-time contract jobs, met incredible people, fell in love, etc etc etc. I know I'm a lot different from that girl now. In good and bad ways. And I'm excited to keep making these videos and keep watching myself change and grow over the years. 

Hope I didn't lay on the cheese too thick there (probably did). I love this project idea and I hope I'll keep coming back to it! 


Emily Diana RuthComment